knee deep in weeds

a personal photo journal

map making


"And I will waste my heart on fear no more
I will find a secret bell and make it ring
And let the rest be washed up on the shore
They can't be tamed, these wilder things"
- Ruth Moody

i lay in bed and listen as their voices
find their way under my closed door. i toss and turn
and see that history does indeed repeat itself.
i understand how all of this is not mine to manage
and wake, come morning, off balance and somber.

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i ask her if she knows a spot where i might be able to get right down to the river,
to take some photos, i say. but deep down i know i just want to be with the water,
where i might find solstice, and calm, and fresh air to fill me up.

she offers to come with me, and i feel my heart lighten.

they fish from shore and from river boats,
the sun on their backs, water perhaps spraying their faces.
they come to fish, i come to gather energy from the river,
giving me what i need to get back in the car and go on with life.

a heron flies, but i am not ready with my camera, so i watch her magnificat wings
carry her across the river. i pass a child playing where water meets sand,
while his dad fishes close by. both are content, both filled with wonder,
each in their own world and yet conversing; the dad patient and
mindful, the child questioning and curious.

if i ordered it up with some magic power,
the weather could not be more perfect,
i feel energy flowing inside me, but mostly i feel wise
for knowing what i need, astute enough to know
how to recharge and refill.

it won’t be until later that i fully grasp
that i have been traveling without my own map.

i am off to see my sister for a few day,
have a beautiful rest of your week. . .
xoox

“I just know when I quit looking to other people for directions, I found my own map.”
― George Ella Lyon, Holding on to Zoe

taking refuge

“Each of us is an artist of our days; the greater our integrity and awareness,
the more original and creative our time will become.”
― John O'Donohue,

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i forget that there is always pain in life;
and in that pain, forget momentarily that suffering is optional.
in the mist of pain, sleepless nights, and bitterness,
i take myself to the arboretum where i find refuge.

i find refuge in texture and light, seeking out darken paths
and BRILLIANT color.
curious eyes awaken a drive deep inside,
and later, as i sit with the images i capture,
i awaken, with calm.

i watch as brave friends, take chances; traveling outside their comfort zones,
for the sake of art, for the sake of healing, for the sake of self.

stop flapping and soar, i say over and over. . .

“May you experience each day as a sacred gift woven around the heart of wonder. ”
― John O'Donohue, Eternal Echoes: Celtic Reflections on Our Yearning to Belong

i awaken eager to do the hard work; to grab hold
of my life, to seek out mother-earth for healing,
and listen to my gut.
to do something brave, just for me. . .

seek your own refuge this weekend and soar,
xooox

“You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.”
― John O'Donohue

this and that

“If we’re not supposed to dance, Why all this music?”
― Gregory Orr

i admire people who dance, people who open their arms
and move their feet, while throwing their heads back to laugh.
i admire those who say yes to fun, who don’t spend time
questioning the tiny details or running “what ifs” inside their heads.
they must know it will be worth it in the long run, even if it bombs.

i need practice in both.

“There was less than I’d expected in the rainy-day fund that Mom had kept in the bottom of an underwear drawer in a panty hose egg labeled ‘DEAD SPIDERS.’ As if I hadn’t always known it was there. As if I wouldn’t want to look at dead spiders.”
― Adam Rex

it is a hard week: i spend part of it building a wall against pain,
a wall that i seem to be able to build in an instant.
i take a step to bring it down, and light floats in.
and while i have never spoken of politics here in this space,
the grief i feel for my country is real and heartbreaking.

will we recover in my lifetime?

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a few things that brought me joy:
halloween kitchen towels, teaching the dog “down”, a manicure, taking steps towards the light, movie night, carrots from the garden, and his understanding

I am over on ViewFinders today talking about my Velvet 85mm lens. I would love for you to stop by.

xoox