knee deep in weeds

notes on living a life


Within us - the heart of us, really - is a 'ground' that is to our thoughts and feelings, our relationships with others and ourselves, as is the Earth to the leaves that first race across her and then, no longer able to run, give themselves up to nourish her body so that she may give birth again come the spring. 

~ Guy Finley 

we all come together for 48 hours
for better or worse
nine of us and four dogs
we all claim our place in the order
and i work hard at giving up control
but the host in me steps on toes 
i know. . . 
but hey, i am the mother and i am trying
we laugh and drink beer brewed with strong coffee
(which is really good) and sparkling cider, wine
and a new cocktail he creates, 
and we all pitch in to make the perfect dinner
(my favorite part) all of us gathered 
around our family table, 
Christmas plates, candle light, laughter
and wagging dog tails at our feet
and then suddenly it is over
and all that is left are the dirty dishes in the sink
and memories. . . 
and the emotions take hold
and i am suddenly a mess
and i wonder what it is i am missing,
wonder what it is i am mourning 
when all i see around me is a growing, happy and healthy family
and i honestly feel so blessed and loved . .  
i fight it all day and then finally go to bed with a book,
"to read" i say. . . 
and there i cry a bit, and think and pray 
and slowly i can feel the calm come over me as i start to understand 
it is the accumulation of all the Christmases past, 60 of them. . .
and i mourn them a bit, giving them the time they so deserve
the tears stop flowing and i roll over and give thanks that my life is so full 
and show gratitude, that for whatever reason, i feel all this love so deeply
and i decide right then and there i will try not to fight it so hard, or view it as a flaw
but rather nourish it, feed it with all my whole heart 
and watch it bloom,
understanding that there will be times
i will be a mess, all covered in dirt, and full of love

that is my word for 2015


i hope your Christmas was magical,