knee deep in weeds

notes on living a life


“So she way awake at night and at times there was a curious peacefulness to this, the darkness warm as though the deep violet duvet held its color unseen, wrapping around Pam some soothing aspect of her youth, as her mind wandered over a life that felt puzzingly long; she experienced a quiet surprise that so many lifetimes could be fit into one.”  

~ Elizabeth Strout, The Burgess Boys 

For a brief morning moment, while I lay in bed thinking about my day, I could see that the sky was soft blue and the air clean and still. I had great hopes for blue sky (even though the weatherman said no) but the sky has turned gray and rain is gently falling, and so I guess he was right. 

I just returned from four wonderful days in Arizona; a girls trip. Three of us headed down to see two old and dear friends, who live there now part time. Our friendship goes back almost thirty years and when I stop to think about all the moments each of us have crammed into our lives, I am pretty much amazed! I will admit, I was a bit hesitant to make the trip; the heat, leaving the dog, snakes and bugs. And, I have said numerous times that I don't care much for Arizona. But I had a lot of fun on this trip and even better, I had a bit of an awakening.

There is a beauty to the desert that I had never taken time to really notice before. I could actually see myself spending some time there, especially during our raining and wet winters. So I came home having learned something; never to say never.

I once had this notion that by sixty I would have a clear path to the rest of my life, I would have it all figured out, I would know what I liked and didn't like and I would be so sure of so many things; and in some aspects of my life this is true. But it really hit home with me over the weekend just how important it is for to me to be open to all of what life has to offer. I need to be willing to say yes, and not get hung up on what my past thoughts might have been, because life is too short for restrictions. Especially restrictions I put on myself.

I need to leave behind some of those hard core attitudes that I thought were so ingrained in me, and allow myself to be available for living. I need to say yes more often. And I need to remember to save that word never for very specific issues. I need to shut off that voice in my head that tells me; this is really not for you, or asks, are you sure? And just do it. Because there is always that possibility that the rewards will marvelous! Holding on to that old mindset is just a bit silly because I have changed and grown and each new day offers up possibilities. 

I can see the freedom this will bring. Having fewer do's and don't to adhere to, I allow myself to be available for life.  It feels good to know that even though I might have said I would never do this or that in the past, that it is okay to change my mind and open the door to all kinds of things just by saying yes and letting go of some of those self inflicted rules. 

I understand that this part of my life, this being sixty, retired with a new hip and in good health, will not last forever, just as being a young wife, and a new mother didn't. So I have to grab it while I can. I also understand that no one is keeping score or checking my past references for those times I did say no, or never; that is all in my head. And if they are keeping score I really can't worry about that because this is my life and it really is so short. For now, I just want to seize every moment. 

I gotta tell you this new frame of mind has added some spring to my step! 

i hope all is well in your world, 
thanks so much for stopping by. . .