knee deep in weeds

notes on living a life

party on || week 19

"Life, if you keep chasing it so hard, will drive you to death. Time - when pursued like a bandit - will behave like one, always remaining one county or one room ahead of you, changing its name and hair color to elude you, slipping out the back door of the motel just as you're banging through the lobby with your newest search warrant, leaving only a burning cigarette in the ashtray to taunt you. At some point you have to stop because it won't. You have to admit that you can't catch it. That you're not supposed to catch it. At some point, you gotta let go and sit still and allow contentment to come to you." 
— Elizabeth Gilbert

the week is full of normal; gardening, reading, walking and a bit of self-doubt.

i walk the garden, the river, the neighborhood daily, leash in hand,
my camera around my neck. 
i chase light in the morning and during the golden hour, 
changing lenses and perspective, focusing and paying attention, 
only to come home, upload the photos and feel a huge wave
of deja vu flow over me. it dawns on me that, 
that very same photo was taken last year, its beauty not any less
for noticing it again,
and yet, questioning just what it is i am looking for?

“The essential ingredients for creativity remain exactly the same for everybody: courage, enchantment, permission, persistence, trust—and those elements are universally accessible.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

i question my creativity after two friends comment on the blur
of a photo i post on social media, 
feeling i need to explain myself, i notice self-doubt worming its way
inside me, i step back, slipping back into what feels comfortable
hoping not to draw attention, 
only to scold myself later in the week. . .  

“What you absolutely must not do is turn around and walk out. Otherwise, you will miss the party, and that would be a pity, because—please believe me—we did not come all this great distance, and make all this great effort, only to miss the party at the last moment.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

i wake one day midweek, from what feels like a long winter of hibernation,
deep inside of me there is clarity and intention.
i go about my day, working in garden, talking to the dog, seeking light, 
and i find doubt lifting and in its place peace and confidence materialize. 
i speak my voice with purpose and find the words are not just words
that i have practiced, but words i believe in and i surprise myself. 
i test over and over the feelings my words provoke deep inside of me.
just to be sure . . . 

“She stopped feeling like she was nothing more than a consumer, nothing more than the sum of her daily obligations and duties. She was making something” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

three things ::
the second season of Grace and Frankie is on Netflix
(it makes me laugh out loud) 
i got a manicure (it forces me to wear gloves outside) 
we are having part of our house painted

this is not snow and and i feel bad for those with allergies! 

“When you insist on your limitations, you are stuck with them.” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear

i round the week out with a new book on faith.
chapter by chapter i feel myself moving closer to something that awakens
a curiosity deep inside of me but also a feeling of comfort. . . 

“In many ways, religion comes from the same place in us that art comes from. The language of the human heart if poetry” 
― Krista Tippett, Speaking of Faith

late in the week, he wakes up limbing and it gets worse as the day wares on. . .
it's like having a child, i think. 
the vet explains that it is possibly a sprained wrist. i question him about what he has been up to,
and all i get is the look. . . 
no walks, no dog park, no running, i tell him. 
snuggling is prescribed along with laying in the sun on the grass. 


"It's just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn't it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal." 
— John Grogan, Marley and Me: Life and Love With the World's Worst Dog

how was you week?