“It is a strange and wonderful fact to be here, walking around in a body, to have a whole world within you and a world at your fingertips outside you. It is an immense privilege, and it is incredible that humans manage to forget the miracle of being here. Rilke said, ‘Being here is so much,’ and it is uncanny how social reality can deaden and numb us so that the mystical wonder of our lives goes totally unnoticed.
We are here. We are wildly and dangerously free.”
― John O'Donohue
I get stuck in the car this past week without anything to listen to and find an old On Being podcast on my phone. I listen to John O'Donohue's voice as he talks about beauty and time and the landscapes of our lives and as I listen my world widens. He seems to be letting me know that I am okay. That this simple, unencumbered life we are living is right on track. He helps me understand why the coming of spring brings me to my knees at times and why a few weeks ago, as we sat in downtown Seattle and listened to the Wailin Jennies sing in perfect harmony, I cried.
I spend countless hours, during the week, working behind the scenes of this blog. (Mailchimp and I seem to have had some miscommunication problems and so I apologize if you are not getting what you signed up for on the subscription form but I think I have it all figured out now).
I also spend hours messing with the layout of the blog. I try several new templets, thinking maybe I need a new look. Only to find myself back where I started. And, I work on my accidental projects. By this I mean I cull through my photos and am surprised to see that I indeed have some series of photos that I shoot over and over. I am afraid now that I have identified them, and given them a name, I might suffer from photoblock. I put a few up under the photography tab and act like I know what I am doing. I fight with the whole dang thing until I consider shutting it all down.
Because all the glorious, everyday beauty is slipping by and I am losing precious time tying to make this space something it is not, and I can't help but wonder why. . .
I think about how "back in the day" I fought with time. It was a precious commodity and the few moments I had to myself were few and far between. I always felt behind. Today I get out of bed most days to a clear and open schedule. I am free to do just what I want. And after getting over the idea of what I should want to do, I have found things that truly fill me up. I have found my beauty, my inner landscape if you will and documenting some of it is my proof. It is one of the tools I use to construct my world. And I understand that the feelings I have about changing this space is just a way of shaping and building it. As long as I continue to show up, this space will evolve.
You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.
Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.
Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.
Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.
Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.”
— John O'Donohue
Maybe for right now anyway, I have found my rhythm.