knee deep in weeds

notes on living a life

thursday || ebb and flow

“...wanting soul life without the dark, warming intelligence of personal doubt is like expecting an egg without the brooding heat of the mother hen.” 
― David Whyte

the partial list:: 
it takes time
i don't globe-trot or get to enough beautiful places, to take interesting photos
i can't spell and my grammar sucks
i take the same photos over and over and over
Basil is tired of posing and i am tired of taking photos of my latte
i say too much, reveal too much about my life
sometimes it scares me
etc. . .  

“Never let fear hold you captive. 
Never let self-doubt hold you captive. 
Never let frustration hold you captive.” 
― Roy Bennett

i hit the enable button and i think, okay then, it is done. 
not feeling the relief i imagined, i decide to let it ride out a bit. 
later, i go back and cannot find the page, it is not only enabled
it is gone. suddenly two years worth of thoughts have vanished;
posts with stumbling words and unfocused photos for sure, but
words i wrote from my heart and photos i loved. . .  
i play it cool for most of the afternoon and then after dinner panic sets in. 
i start to google. when i later manage to dig it out of the recycling bin
on Squarespace a sense of balm settles in and i understand
just a little bit more about myself. . .

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” 
― Brené Brown

i see so clearly now how i stepped off my path. i understand
how i imagined this route was no longer viable, but rather
frozen solid at the edges and unreachable. i recognize how
self-doubt managed to drift in and ice up, chilling me to the bone.
the thing that daunts me however, 
is how quickly i jumped ship. 

“Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.” 
― Brené Brown

so i am back, with a pocket full of treats for this sweet pup, 
and a promise to myself to allow this space to ebb and flow.
an agreement to grant myself permission to not be perfect, 
but to always be myself and speak my simple truth. 
and always have hope. 

Action and reaction, ebb and flow, trial and error, change - this is the rhythm of living. Out of our over-confidence, fear; out of our fear, clearer vision, fresh hope. And out of hope, progress.
~ Bruce Barton

thank you so much for you kind and encouraging words, 
your suggestions and help. 
but mostly, thank you for understanding. 

finding my way. . .