knee deep in weeds

notes on living a life

Filtering by Category: awareness

radically altered

“But we overlay the present onto the past. We look back through the lens of what we know now, so we’re not seeing it as the people we were, we’re seeing it as the people we are, and that means the past has been radically altered.”

― Ann Patchett, The Dutch House

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The week is full of finding balance and understanding. I tuck away my wireless headphones and some mad money (at different times, in different places) and still have not found them. The headphones were old and frustrating and so I let them go, and then one day he surprises me with a new pair, a good pair, and I am thrilled. I know I will find the money at some point, and decide it too will be an unexpected gift to myself, from myself. But the frustration of losing things overwhelms me at times, leaving me unsure of myself. Is it age? Or, just a new home, with new tucking away spaces. I think the latter, but still . . . My head swims at times as thoughts bob around, and I am unsure of where to categorize them. So for now I agree to allow them to be and focus on taking note of the world around me.

I head into town alone one day to buy a gift, but the gift is really to myself. I need some breathing room, some time to think and wonder, to try on new feelings and explore with no explanation other than curiosity. I check out the library, roam alley ways, and stop in to have a chai tea in a real cup to celebrate fall. I come home refreshed and he thankful he understands me better at times than I do myself.

We meet some of the kids in town on Friday night for a Halloween pop up and it feels good to be out among people. We are home early and I can’t wait to fall into bed. Sleep is fitful so I am gentle with myself as I grasp just what it is I am struggling with. I consider just how easy it is to fall into old ways, and question why I even go there when I slowly start to comprehend that it a way to deal with past pain that lingers deep within me. I also see how the pain is overlaid by what I know now to be true, and there is a huge breakthrough while understanding sinks in. I wake knowing myself better.

The dog and I walk among morning dew, and beautiful fall light. I tell him about what I uncovered while he slept the night away curled up beside me. He listens, while sniffing the world around him, both of us grateful for this beautiful fall day.

have a lovely weekend. . .

“She thought, If I’m crazy, I may as well do what I feel like doing. No point being crazy if you have to worry all the time about what people are thinking anyway.”
― Marilynne Robinson, Lila

I often agonize over what it truly is I feel like doing at times,
I wrangle with roadblocks, feeling judgement and guilt, and a bit crazy.
but as I stroll, camera in hand, I find beauty all around me.
some of it begs to be captured; keeping me inside the moment,
following light, free of scrutiny and accusations.