Lately, I lay in bed for just a few moments each morning before leaving him and the dog to sleep. I listen to the going ons outside the open window, behind the closed blinds. The sounds change according to the seasons: peepers in the spring time, birds come summer, the school bus in the fall, and rain and wind during the dark winter.
I lay there and scan my heart and gage how that chunk of it, which is broken, is feeling that morning. I come to understand that some days I can put the sorrow aside and other days I just can't. Being honest and aware of my emotions, giving them the time they deserve before my day begins, has helped. I see it as brief form of meditation.
"There is almost no path a human being can follow that does not lead to heartbreak."
~ David Whyte
I read this post, on one of my favorite blogs. It resonates with me so as I have come to understand, over that past year or so, that I am able to live fully and wholeheartedly even with that chunk of broken-heartedness within me. Today it does not have to knock me off my feet, or send me into a downward spiral, as I have tools and practices that help keep me balanced, honest, and open. And daily meditation is a much needed tool.
“Each time you meet an old emotional pattern with presence, your awakening to truth can deepen. There’s less identification with the self in the story and more ability to rest in the awareness that is witnessing what’s happening. You become more able to abide in compassion, to remember and trust your true home. Rather than cycling repetitively through old conditioning, you are actually spiraling toward freedom.”
― Tara Brach, True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own Awakened Heart
I log almost 20 days of real meditation in October, taking time during each day to sit and breathe. I try different instructors, guided and unguided, visualization and quiet music or the beautiful sound of singing bowls. I am pleased with myself and can feel the difference. So why is it I have yet to sit once in this new month? Because I am on such a roll that I decided somehow to enhance the experience: light a candle, sit longer, push harder, breathe deeper, and smudge the air with pal santo wood. Which is nonsense and unnecessary, but like so many things in life, which are not broken, I step in and break it, by wanting more. So instead of sitting with myself for 15 minutes, I don't even get started.
But today is a brand new day. . .
have a glorious week,