you are what you do

“The Winter Solstice is the time of ending and beginning, a powerful time -- a time to contemplate your immortality. A time to forgive, to be forgiven, and to make a fresh start. A time to awaken.”
- Fredrick Lenz

i sit and listen to the rain, the kind of rain that falls heavy and wet;
the kind you don’t run in, but rather walk slowly, for running only
gives the large droplets momentum and one becomes
drenched, opposed to just soaked. . .

i spend the day doing laundry and packing; getting ready to head up north,
to spend Christmas with our kids. nostalgia plays around with my emotions
this time of year, and i miss my mom and dad. i miss my oldest son,
and i miss those parts of myself which were at one time, more carefree and laid back.
today i am relentless, and unwavering especially when i am taking care of myself.
i have worked hard to make friends with this new woman, and slowly we are both growing stronger.

i like her.

i step outside to let the dog out. i watch the birds scatter
as he chases them in the wet grass, until something else catches his eye.
i am reminded how winter has a dark and somewhat dreary beauty to it,
most of it accompanied by the cadence of rainfall.
i miss the snow of my childhood which reflected the sounds of winter so clearly;
giving them sharp clarity; while the whiteness provided renewed cleansing.
the rain muffles most sounds; the wet leaves underfoot are nothing more than a cushion of
compost now, absorbing much of the noise around me.
i have learned however, that rain can also be renewing and cleansing if one
has the proper rain gear . . . which i do.

lately i have been waking just a little after four most mornings, almost like clockwork.
i lay there, cozy and warm and wait for the soft sound of a far off train whistle to drift in
through our open window. this time of year, i allow it to carry me into the season,
then, as it fades i roll over and settle back into sleep. on the mornings when the rain drowns
out the sound, i feel a bit cheated.

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tomorrow we will pack up the dog, a few presents, and our memories of past Christmases.
we will head up to be with some of our kids. my heart, like the Grinches, will grow two sizes,
and i will relax and let them take charge. i will slip away on Christmas day to call my sister,
to remember mom and dad, and to share bits and pieces of our day. i will try texting
my oldest, but not get my hopes up. instead i will bask in the balm of love,
and be grateful and full of gladness.

“When you die, it’s done, the chance is gone. So when you live? When you live, make it all. Don’t wait for the rain to stop. Climb out of your tent with your mind engaged and your senses ablaze and let rain pour into you. Remember: you are not who you think you are. You are what you do. Be the kindness of soft rain. Be the beauty of light behind a tall fir. Be gratitude. Be gladness.”
- Katheleen Dean Moore

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life is good. all of it is good.
i wish you joy, love, gladness, and moments to remember,
take it all in, every last drop . . .

Xo. Cathy