knee deep in weeds

notes on a simple life

the moon

“Inside each of us resides the truth, I began, the absolute truth. But sometimes the truth is hidden in a hall of mirrors. Sometimes we believe we are viewing the real thing,
when in fact we are viewing a facsimile, a distortion.”
― Garth Stein, The Art of Racing in the Rain

the past couple of weeks have been full of sugar, flour, butter,
and parchment paper. resulting in so many cookies in the freezer
i am left dumbfounded. i bake to keep busy, for reasons that are
unclear to me at first. all the while knowing we can’t possibly eat them all.

i bake like i did when the boys were home; something i have not done
in years. and i ponder why? and while the stack in the freezer grows,
my camera sits idle on my desk; the battery dead,
and the charger undisturbed inside my camera bag.
my camera tugs at me every time i walk into my office, and yet i leave it, over and over
again. shutting the door with intention, and feeling as if i am working on breaking a bad habit.

i have bounced all over the map this past year, trying different
rituals and practices to bring calm, peace and meaning into my life.
it would be funny, if it were not so heartbreaking. i scold myself
for being so paralyzed that i can’t seem to move. i make lists
instead of doing, i feel stuck and confused and try on new personas
in hopes of breaking down the make-believe cage i have erected around myself.
i worry that life is becoming crippling and i see there are ways
i have become incapacitated. i am alarmed.

so i bake . . .

i mull over the possibility that i use my camera as a crutch, something i count on too much, and
i wonder who i think i am to blog here, to have something worthy to say.
in just one day my elusive words are misconstrued by a close friend and praised by another.
i freeze up, panic a bit, and choose to just turn and walk away, before i spin out of control.

i also know enough to understand i need to do something.

i lean into my life by taking charge, starting with an important email.
i put away the self-help books and reconsider my random “i think i will try this now “
rituals. and in a couple of weeks or so i feel myself coming around.
i put away the sugar, flour and butter along with the parchment paper, and
i plug in my charger. i watch the light start blinking as the battery
falls snuggling into place. i turn and leave the room to let it fully charge,
anticipating the feel of my camera in my hands.

i lean into my life with full understanding that i am worth it;
that i don’t need to compromise or back away.

“Many of us have convinced ourselves that compromise is necessary to achieve our goals, that all of our goals are not attainable so we should eliminate the extraneous, prioritize our desires, and accept less than the moon.”
― Garth Stein, The Art of Racing in the Rain

i decide i won’t accept anything less than the moon . . .

have a beautiful rest of your week,
Xo. Cathy