knee deep in weeds

notes on living a life

Filtering by Tag: cathy sly

speak up

“The beauty isn't in the jewel itself, but in the way the light shines through it.”
― William Kent Krueger, This Tender Land

 
 

I start and stop dinner preparations several times to walk outside with my camera. What I really want to do is jump in my car and drive to the bay to watch the sunset. We could grab something to eat on the way home, or eat a sandwich, I think. But I don’t suggest it, and later that night I question why.

Answers come to me, some I don’t want to share, and some are so obvious it makes me crazy.

radically altered

“But we overlay the present onto the past. We look back through the lens of what we know now, so we’re not seeing it as the people we were, we’re seeing it as the people we are, and that means the past has been radically altered.”

― Ann Patchett, The Dutch House

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The week is full of finding balance and understanding. I tuck away my wireless headphones and some mad money (at different times, in different places) and still have not found them. The headphones were old and frustrating and so I let them go, and then one day he surprises me with a new pair, a good pair, and I am thrilled. I know I will find the money at some point, and decide it too will be an unexpected gift to myself, from myself. But the frustration of losing things overwhelms me at times, leaving me unsure of myself. Is it age? Or, just a new home, with new tucking away spaces. I think the latter, but still . . . My head swims at times as thoughts bob around, and I am unsure of where to categorize them. So for now I agree to allow them to be and focus on taking note of the world around me.

I head into town alone one day to buy a gift, but the gift is really to myself. I need some breathing room, some time to think and wonder, to try on new feelings and explore with no explanation other than curiosity. I check out the library, roam alley ways, and stop in to have a chai tea in a real cup to celebrate fall. I come home refreshed and he thankful he understands me better at times than I do myself.

We meet some of the kids in town on Friday night for a Halloween pop up and it feels good to be out among people. We are home early and I can’t wait to fall into bed. Sleep is fitful so I am gentle with myself as I grasp just what it is I am struggling with. I consider just how easy it is to fall into old ways, and question why I even go there when I slowly start to comprehend that it a way to deal with past pain that lingers deep within me. I also see how the pain is overlaid by what I know now to be true, and there is a huge breakthrough while understanding sinks in. I wake knowing myself better.

The dog and I walk among morning dew, and beautiful fall light. I tell him about what I uncovered while he slept the night away curled up beside me. He listens, while sniffing the world around him, both of us grateful for this beautiful fall day.


have a lovely weekend. . .

no need to hurry

“No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself."

– Virginia Woolf

There are constant conversations that takes place in my head. Questions are asked by me to me, and because I have to think about the answer, I feel like I have failed myself in some way. But I remind myself that change takes practice; it takes me telling myself it is okay to do things different, to change what has always been, or not, but to take that pause to allow my feelings to surface. Then, and only then, I whisper an answer.

I am shooting more, mostly for the daily lists (which you can find in the navigation bar up top), but also to get to know my new surrounds a bit better. I look for things that are new, but also for things that are the same. I mess around with camera settings, depending on how fickle the weather of October is being, and take my time post processing, allowing the feeling I was after to direct the final photo. I use the sliders in lightroom with intent and don’t rely on presets. I reset each photo a number of times it seems, but I am in no hurry and have no need to satisfy anyone but myself.

It feels right,
have a great weekend . . .