knee deep in weeds

notes on living a life

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setting the past free

“She wasn’t crying because of the life she led: because, never having led any other, she’d accepted that with her that was just the way things were. But I also think she was crying because, through the music, she might have guessed there were other ways of feeling,”

― Clarice Lispector, The Hour of the Star

there is a calm now before the storm; before the big move happens and we hand over our keys
taped up boxes line the walls, and last minute items are stowed away in cupboards for just a few more days
to-do lists have eased on this end and new ones are made with a different agenda
for the first time, in what seems like weeks, i sit at my computer and feel the yearning to write

i have learned so much about myself as i packed up our life:

i uncovered the past and encountered a young woman who was so sure of herself, who followed her gut and heart no matter how it settled with others
i was able to pinpoint where I stepped back and allowed the traumas of my life to take over; causing me to doubt all that we worked together to accomplish in this home
i could see where i had held on to titles such as daughter, wife, mother, gardener, and cook, within the boundaries that were somehow assigned to those titles years ago,
and how some of these roles were codependent, and not healthy for either party
i recognized that it is not about the happy memories we created in this home, but rather about the life lessons we all learned within it,
and the strong foundation it provided for all of us to fail and grow
i know wholeheartedly now that i will be able to walk away in a couple of weeks, without regrets or sadness

i will be able to set the past free. . .