passing judgement

“When you judge yourself for needing help, you judge those you are helping. When you attach value to giving help, you attach value to needing help. The danger of tying your self-worth to being a helper is feeling shame when you have to ask for help. Offering help is courageous and compassionate, but so is asking for help.”

― Brené Brown, Rising Strong: The Reckoning. The Rumble. The Revolution.

I am three weeks into this broken wrist thing and slowly learning to ask for help. I admit, I was somewhat flabbergasted that not everyone was noticing how I was struggling to meet my needs, making me even more determined not to ask. But that only resulted in frustration and resentment setting in, which didn’t help the situation at all. It really was so simple when I put aside the notion that they should just know what I needed and I started to ask. But it also made me give some thought into why I found the asking part so hard.

Judgement is such a sneaky emotion.

an afternoon on the nootsack

 

Truly, we live with mysteries too marvelous
to be understood.

How grass can be nourishing in the
mouths of the lambs.
How rivers and stones are forever
in allegiance with gravity
while we ourselves dream of rising.
How two hands touch and the bonds will
never be broken.
How people come, from delight or the
scars of damage,
to the comfort of a poem.

Let me keep my distance, always, from those
who think they have the answers.

Let me keep company always with those who say
“Look!” and laugh in astonishment,
and bow their heads.

- Mary Oliver

this was July

The garden explodes in July - flowers in every corner of the yard and fresh veggies with every meal. Percy turn 2 1/2 and suddenly seems so big. We stick to our Tuesday walks and dig out the water play toys when we play outside The mama deer bring their babies out to play each morning and I stand in the kitchen to watch. I don’t attempt to break their frolicking with my camera but do capture some juveniles in the front yard helping themselves to breakfast. He gets his long awaited pacemaker and a few days later I break my right wrist. Both of us now down to one arm. Frustration is soon relieved with a new attitude where I find peace, laughter and gratitude. I connect with old friends and he and I plan a trip for September.

July brings growth all around it seems, and I allow myself to wallow in it with contentment and love.

 

“If I had my way, I'd remove January from the calendar altogether and have an extra July instead.”

- Roald Dahl

today

Today I got a beautiful purple cast on my right arm. I only have to wear it three weeks! I admit I feel much safer as my doc told me my wrist is very protected now. But the best part is she said, if it doesn’t hurt, you can pick up your camera!

PS: The zinnias are blooming!

“I am doing something I learned early to do, I am

paying attention to small beauties,

whatever I have-as if it were our duty

to find things to love, to bind ourselves to this world.”

― Sharon Olds, Strike Sparks: Selected Poems, 1980-2002

"Resentment, bitterness, and holding a grudge prevent us from seeing and hearing and tasting and delighting."

— Pema Chödrön (The Wisdom of No Escape: And The Path of Loving-Kindness: How to Love Yourself and Your World)

My friend Donna sends me a beautiful email. It is simple and brief and so full of wisdom that I print it off and tape it to the wall next to my desk. I read it again this morning, and see the beautiful opportunity that has been put before me. An opportunity to stop fighting with my life. A chance to let go of the resentment and anger that I have held on to for far too long, losing sight of love. Instead of looking for a crack through all that resentment, why not let love be the guide to a more peaceful path. A broken wrist is the perfect time to sort through what is truly important and letting go of what does not serve me well. And the chance to walk with him, as his fancy new device adjusts to his - no make that our lifestyle, is a gift.

I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted.

still here

“Life has its way, and it seems to me now that the object might only be to learn how to be graceful, to understand the value of a deep kind of acceptance.”

― Elizabeth Berg, The Pull of the Moon

i dig these images out of the archives, as I can’t hold my camera, and my phone is just not the same. Frustration builds as I hunt and peck for letters, and I am irritated easily with the computer. My arm gets tired and so I stop often to rest it, allowing the resentment I feel to waver some.

There are things I want to say about frustration and acceptance, as both have played a major roll in my days since this injury. But maybe the goal today is just to connect a bit, allow myself to put a few words down for proof that I am still here - learning to turn frustration into moments of growth and open communication.

best laid plans

“Life is haphazard. We plan, and then we deal when the plans go awry. Control is an illusion; best intentions are the best we can do.”

― Anna Quindlen, Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake

But we are finding laughter in the kitchen and finding ways to embrace this conundrum we find ourselves in. We are able to recognize the assets of modern medicine, and understand the opportunity put before us - to work on working together.


“It’s great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

― Anna Quindlen, Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake

Last week my husband got a pacemaker. I vowed to care for him, as it has been a bit of journey to get here. Then two days later, while I was out walking Baker, he darted at another dog, tripped me and I fell and broke my right wrist. So now my husband and I are taking care of each other, both of us down to one hand.

As someone who is use to being in controle of the things, I am actually in need of more help than he is right now, as he can use his prominent hand, while I can’t. This is not how it was supposed to be.