knee deep in weeds

notes on living a life

no need to hurry

“No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself."

– Virginia Woolf

There are constant conversations that takes place in my head. Questions are asked by me to me, and because I have to think about the answer, I feel like I have failed myself in some way. But I remind myself that change takes practice; it takes me telling myself it is okay to do things different, to change what has always been, or not, but to take that pause to allow my feelings to surface. Then, and only then, I whisper an answer.

I am shooting more, mostly for the daily lists (which you can find in the navigation bar up top), but also to get to know my new surrounds a bit better. I look for things that are new, but also for things that are the same. I mess around with camera settings, depending on how fickle the weather of October is being, and take my time post processing, allowing the feeling I was after to direct the final photo. I use the sliders in lightroom with intent and don’t rely on presets. I reset each photo a number of times it seems, but I am in no hurry and have no need to satisfy anyone but myself.

It feels right,
have a great weekend . . .

surrender

The creative process is a process of surrender, not control.

- Julia Cameron

she finds inspiration in conflicting environments
allowing herself to surrender to it; freeing herself of control


I have started a new 365 list project because I do love list and I am hoping it might inspire me to shoot more. You will find it under “the lists” tab at top. As always, thanks so much for stopping by to take a look.

I am also over on ViewFinders today talking about our move. I hope will stop by for a read.

solid ground

“We withdraw not to disappear, but to find another ground from which to see; a solid ground from which to step, and from which to speak again, in a different way, a clear, rested, embodied voice we begin to remember again as our own.”
- David Whyte

The first morning the dog and sit in the window seat and watch the day come alive. He focuses on the deer making their way up the neighbor’s hill while i watch a lone rower on the lake. I can’t help but dream and wonder what that must feel like and realize it no longer seems out of reach, but almost a possibility. Even among the overflow of moving boxes I feel lighter and more alive than I have felt in such a long time. Peace and joy flow without effort.

The dog and I take our first walk; he spots of few friends barking their greetings from windows and I meet a few neighbors. Last night’s rain has left its sparkling mark and everything shimmers. Later I unpack house boxes and move things from one place to another, as I become familiar with how we will use our new space. I move with intention, letting go of the hurriedness I felt while packing and enjoy the process. Word arrives that the home we left has closed and the last piece of the process is complete.

I am home, on solid ground with open roads ahead. Determined to not fall back into old habits that sideline my goals and put my yearnings on the back burner, I pause often, say less and wait for my own feelings to rise. Only after I have listened to myself do I speak.

have a beautiful weekend . . .

setting the past free

“She wasn’t crying because of the life she led: because, never having led any other, she’d accepted that with her that was just the way things were. But I also think she was crying because, through the music, she might have guessed there were other ways of feeling,”

― Clarice Lispector, The Hour of the Star

there is a calm now before the storm; before the big move happens and we hand over our keys
taped up boxes line the walls, and last minute items are stowed away in cupboards for just a few more days
to-do lists have eased on this end and new ones are made with a different agenda
for the first time, in what seems like weeks, i sit at my computer and feel the yearning to write

i have learned so much about myself as i packed up our life:

i uncovered the past and encountered a young woman who was so sure of herself, who followed her gut and heart no matter how it settled with others
i was able to pinpoint where I stepped back and allowed the traumas of my life to take over; causing me to doubt all that we worked together to accomplish in this home
i could see where i had held on to titles such as daughter, wife, mother, gardener, and cook, within the boundaries that were somehow assigned to those titles years ago,
and how some of these roles were codependent, and not healthy for either party
i recognized that it is not about the happy memories we created in this home, but rather about the life lessons we all learned within it,
and the strong foundation it provided for all of us to fail and grow
i know wholeheartedly now that i will be able to walk away in a couple of weeks, without regrets or sadness

i will be able to set the past free. . .