“She wasn’t crying because of the life she led: because, never having led any other, she’d accepted that with her that was just the way things were. But I also think she was crying because, through the music, she might have guessed there were other ways of feeling,”
― Clarice Lispector, The Hour of the Star
there is a calm now before the storm; before the big move happens and we hand over our keys
taped up boxes line the walls, and last minute items are stowed away in cupboards for just a few more days
to-do lists have eased on this end and new ones are made with a different agenda
for the first time, in what seems like weeks, i sit at my computer and feel the yearning to write
i have learned so much about myself as i packed up our life:
i uncovered the past and encountered a young woman who was so sure of herself, who followed her gut and heart no matter how it settled with others
i was able to pinpoint where I stepped back and allowed the traumas of my life to take over; causing me to doubt all that we worked together to accomplish in this home
i could see where i had held on to titles such as daughter, wife, mother, gardener, and cook, within the boundaries that were somehow assigned to those titles years ago,
and how some of these roles were codependent, and not healthy for either party
i recognized that it is not about the happy memories we created in this home, but rather about the life lessons we all learned within it,
and the strong foundation it provided for all of us to fail and grow
i know wholeheartedly now that i will be able to walk away in a couple of weeks, without regrets or sadness
i will be able to set the past free. . .
Each day now, the anticipation I hold is replaced by the awareness that we really are going to make this happen.
“To see that your life is a story while you're in the middle of living it
may be a help to living it well.”
- Ursula K. Le Guin
how there was carpet in the kitchen when we moved in
will they feed the birds?
will we ever get all this random stuff up north
and in the next minute, how good it feels to have empty kitchen cabinets
do the windows in the new house have screens, surly they have screens, yes, i remember they do
is it silly to write a love letter to a house that you have lived in for 33 years?
what if Baker gets out and doesn’t know his way home
how much i will love looking at the lake from our windows
i will leave them a hill of potatoes so they will see how good they are
we need bubble wrap, and more boxes, and more tape
what if the freezer unthaws, it won’t he says over and over
Brene Brown is amazing . . .
i am tired, i am excited, we are doing this
let’s take the dog to the dog park and buy espresso milkshakes
nothing but blue sky
the first true signs of fall
a field of geese
a bunny in our soon to be yard
our new home, almost empty and ready for us
ripe blackberries on our walk
our current home through new eyes
clothes
books
food at fancy restaurants
lattes
cable TV
cut flowers
a good bra
shoes that fit
kitchen knives
real food
sheets
my father’s 45 year old sourdough starter
water from our well
wheat from Cairnspring mills, a birthday gift from Jordan
rye flour, just a bit
salt and a teaspoon of malt from Skagit Valley Malting
years and years of experience
four hours of stretching and folding
a recipe that gave me a place to start
enough confidence to tweak it
twelve hours of cold air, while it fermented overnight in the fridge
a bit of rest in the warmth of my morning kitchen
heat from a hot oven
how we worked together (most of the time) for a common goal
a beautiful wedding, and reconnecting with old friends
a stellar birthday with my boys
jordan turning 34
dog sitting Meyer and reading this book for long stretches of time
how sweet Gus is
making zucchini bread, in cake form, because i forgot i had packed my loaf pans (and it worked )
how we found laughter among the frustrations and doubts
feeling at home during that first walk through our new home
(and how i almost didn’t go in because i thought it might be too far from town)
selling our home in just two days
moments with Justin and kristy
recognizing all that our home has given us over the past 33 years
friends that reach out to see if we need help packing or moving
finding refugee at the dog park for both the dog and us, after spending all day on our feet packing
swimming at sunset and a lakeside picnic
realizing that i have no need to take pieces of this home to our next
surfing the web for cute baby things, just for fun
the beauty of every flower in my garden
keeping the house clean so it could be shown
negotiations with buyers and sellers
selling the house
buying a house
his money equations about the bottom line
being tired
laying awake at night arranging furniture in my head
slow down, don’t hurry through life
do your best to unclutter your life, your mind and your space
not everyone is going to like you or agree with you and that is okay
listen more and talk less
if that tiny voice in your head tells you you “should” do something, question it
tell the people you love how much they mean to you, often
be open to making new friends
and remember, life is better with a dog in you life
life is good, yes hard things happen, but for the most part you will get through them
you have no idea what is really going on with most people, so be kind
forgive, over and over and over
feel your feelings, and don’t let others tell you not to
every day look for something to be grateful for
life is happier with a dog in it
Freckles
Nemo
Barney
Chelsea
Nootka
Raz
Davin
Chelsea #2
Frankie
Gus
Cocoa
Lily
Leon
Meyer
Basil
and Baker
happy national dog day!
my mood, and how life seems a bit gentler lately
how fall is on her way, and that i am almost ready for shorter days and her blaze of color
how much i will miss my flowers, especailly this rose
how fun it was to buy the very first thing for our expected grandbaby at our local farmer’s market
how i have not swam once this summer, and thinking i will do so next week
how hard it is to keep the house all picked up in case someone calls to look at it
but, how nice it is to have no clutter
where i will put things in our new home up north
signs of fall
ripe blackberries
a banana slug
lots of lily pads in the pond
red huckleberries
a pair of ducks
tiny purple flowers
a for sale sign in front of our house
rowed over 10,000 meter
made zucchini bread
started a new book
picked green beans, a tomato and the first pepper
went to the postoffice
took the dog to the dog park
almost put this list off until morning
libraries
sunrises and sunsets
long walks
samples at Trader Joe’s
bird watching
holding hands
blackberries on the side of the road
dog parks
rainy afternoons
