no need to hurry

“No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself."

– Virginia Woolf

There are constant conversations that takes place in my head. Questions are asked by me to me, and because I have to think about the answer, I feel like I have failed myself in some way. But I remind myself that change takes practice; it takes me telling myself it is okay to do things different, to change what has always been, or not, but to take that pause to allow my feelings to surface. Then, and only then, I whisper an answer.

I am shooting more, mostly for the daily lists (which you can find in the navigation bar up top), but also to get to know my new surrounds a bit better. I look for things that are new, but also for things that are the same. I mess around with camera settings, depending on how fickle the weather of October is being, and take my time post processing, allowing the feeling I was after to direct the final photo. I use the sliders in lightroom with intent and don’t rely on presets. I reset each photo a number of times it seems, but I am in no hurry and have no need to satisfy anyone but myself.

It feels right,
have a great weekend . . .

company

In the entire circle of the year there are no days so delightful as those of a fine October.
~ Alexander Smith

Meyer comes to visit for the week, and they bond in the sunshine of October.

in between

Time is the water in which we live, and we breathe it like fish. ... Time pours into us and then pours out again. In between the two pourings we live our destiny.

Louise Erdrich

surrender

The creative process is a process of surrender, not control.

- Julia Cameron

she finds inspiration in conflicting environments
allowing herself to surrender to it; freeing herself of control

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I have started a new 365 list project because I do love list and I am hoping it might inspire me to shoot more. You will find it under “the lists” tab at top. As always, thanks so much for stopping by to take a look.

I am also over on ViewFinders today talking about our move. I hope will stop by for a read.

five simple truths i need to remember

thoughts are not facts
all that arises passes away
what others think about me is none of my business
pain is inevitable, suffering is optional
taking care of myself is a good thing for everyone around me

things i can't bring myself to do

delete facebook for good
stop blogging
get rid of my grandfather’s typewriter

two lists about taking photos

photographs i take often:
weeds
flowers
bodies of water
dogs (especially Baker)
candid shots of my family
my latte, or wine or what i am eating
birds
beautifully lit moments of my day

photographs i would like to work on:
street scenes
strangers
architecture
landscapes
my husband
the same thing ( a tree, or a scene, etc ) once a week for a whole year

on the first day of october

joined a gym
bought a desk for the family room
made pumpkin bread
walked the big hill with the dog
received some real mail
forgot to hit publish

things that happened last week

i went off auto pilot
i ate a couple of apples off our tree
i watched the sunrise come over the mountain across the lake each morning
i met the people who are building the home next to ours
i set the bird feeders up
the dog and i found a good dog park
i am done unpacking but i can’t find my salad spinner, which tells me i am missing something
i made chicken tacos for Sunday dinner and Courtney came to watch the game
Brandon sent a text message from Alaska to say they are catching fish
and later, he and i went to the Firefly to see Jeffery Foucault with Jordan and Katie

solid ground

“We withdraw not to disappear, but to find another ground from which to see; a solid ground from which to step, and from which to speak again, in a different way, a clear, rested, embodied voice we begin to remember again as our own.”
- David Whyte

The first morning the dog and sit in the window seat and watch the day come alive. He focuses on the deer making their way up the neighbor’s hill while i watch a lone rower on the lake. I can’t help but dream and wonder what that must feel like and realize it no longer seems out of reach, but almost a possibility. Even among the overflow of moving boxes I feel lighter and more alive than I have felt in such a long time. Peace and joy flow without effort.

The dog and I take our first walk; he spots of few friends barking their greetings from windows and I meet a few neighbors. Last night’s rain has left its sparkling mark and everything shimmers. Later I unpack house boxes and move things from one place to another, as I become familiar with how we will use our new space. I move with intention, letting go of the hurriedness I felt while packing and enjoy the process. Word arrives that the home we left has closed and the last piece of the process is complete.

I am home, on solid ground with open roads ahead. Determined to not fall back into old habits that sideline my goals and put my yearnings on the back burner, I pause often, say less and wait for my own feelings to rise. Only after I have listened to myself do I speak.

have a beautiful weekend . . .

yesterday

the last rowing class, where there was flowers, a new book, and lots of sweaty, strong, and beautiful hugs
traffic woes, and signing my name at least 100 times
a trip to the vet to get flea stuff and saying goodbye again
lunch at Costco, where all those calories i burned in rowing were accounted for
the last trip to the dog park so Baker could say goodbye to his friends
staying until dark, because it was relaxing and he was having such fun
weeds on the side of the road, signs of fall, and the last foggy glimpse of Mt Rainer
meaning to post this last night, but just too tired to think about it

things that happened last week

our neighbors helped us in countless ways, from bringing us dinner to moving wood
Brandon and Jordan came and moved everything downstairs, cleared off the deck, moved the birdbath, and had one last meal around our table
i rowed twice, said some goodbyes, and signed up for next week ( just in case i can make it )
i returned the last books to the library and told the staff thank you and wondered how many books i had checked out over the years . . . thousands i am sure
i swung by the vet and thanked them for all the love and care they gave to the eight cats and six dogs who have blessed our home over the past 33 years
i had a beautiful, long conversation with a dear friend, and woke thinking of lambs, so thankful she is in my life
i harvested our potatoes, gave up on the zucchini, cut back the roses, and had him dig one up to take
we slept on a mattress on our floor downstairs and watched Poldark, and reassured Baker, over and over again that he gets to go
i allowed every feeling that floated upon my heart to dwell there without judgement or questions

“Home wasn't a set house, or a single town on a map. It was wherever the people who loved you were, whenever you were together. Not a place, but a moment, and then another, building on each other like bricks to create a solid shelter that you take with you for your entire life, wherever you may go.”

― Sarah Dessen, What Happened to Goodbye

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setting the past free

“She wasn’t crying because of the life she led: because, never having led any other, she’d accepted that with her that was just the way things were. But I also think she was crying because, through the music, she might have guessed there were other ways of feeling,”

― Clarice Lispector, The Hour of the Star

there is a calm now before the storm; before the big move happens and we hand over our keys
taped up boxes line the walls, and last minute items are stowed away in cupboards for just a few more days
to-do lists have eased on this end and new ones are made with a different agenda
for the first time, in what seems like weeks, i sit at my computer and feel the yearning to write

i have learned so much about myself as i packed up our life:

i uncovered the past and encountered a young woman who was so sure of herself, who followed her gut and heart no matter how it settled with others
i was able to pinpoint where I stepped back and allowed the traumas of my life to take over; causing me to doubt all that we worked together to accomplish in this home
i could see where i had held on to titles such as daughter, wife, mother, gardener, and cook, within the boundaries that were somehow assigned to those titles years ago,
and how some of these roles were codependent, and not healthy for either party
i recognized that it is not about the happy memories we created in this home, but rather about the life lessons we all learned within it,
and the strong foundation it provided for all of us to fail and grow
i know wholeheartedly now that i will be able to walk away in a couple of weeks, without regrets or sadness

i will be able to set the past free. . .

the next chapter

Each day now, the anticipation I hold is replaced by the awareness that we really are going to make this happen.

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“To see that your life is a story while you're in the middle of living it
may be a help to living it well.”

- Ursula K. Le Guin

random thoughts i had while packing today

how there was carpet in the kitchen when we moved in
will they feed the birds?
will we ever get all this random stuff up north
and in the next minute, how good it feels to have empty kitchen cabinets
do the windows in the new house have screens, surly they have screens, yes, i remember they do
is it silly to write a love letter to a house that you have lived in for 33 years?
what if Baker gets out and doesn’t know his way home
how much i will love looking at the lake from our windows
i will leave them a hill of potatoes so they will see how good they are
we need bubble wrap, and more boxes, and more tape
what if the freezer unthaws, it won’t he says over and over
Brene Brown is amazing . . .
i am tired, i am excited, we are doing this
let’s take the dog to the dog park and buy espresso milkshakes

things i saw today beyond moving boxes

nothing but blue sky
the first true signs of fall
a field of geese
a bunny in our soon to be yard
our new home, almost empty and ready for us
ripe blackberries on our walk
our current home through new eyes