I go to great pains to find the best yogurt and granola.
-Ezra Koenig
I watch as he lifts his nose to the cold air outside and sniffs. Once satisfied with what he senses, he steps out and makes his early morning rounds. Inside I make my breakfast.
I always let him lick the bowl.
“If a day goes by without my doing something related to photography, it’s as though I’ve neglected something essential to my existence, as though I had forgotten to wake up.”
— Robert Mapplethorpe
This is what we photographers call SOC (straight out of camera). No cropping, or enhancing that big, fat robin who is stopping by to grab a drink. There is no removal of the long green rope hanging down on one of the post of the pergola on our patio, which I find so distracting. There is not much thought given to the winter background behind that robin; patio furniture covered in tarps, the fence, even the cat. I was only interested in the robin.
It is because of all this that I leave this photo as is. It was taken on the fly, underexposed, and the robin is not sharp. (Although isn’t that light on him lovely?) I could have cropped it some, to get a closer look at him, sharpened him up a bit maybe. But then there would be no cat smiling among the new growth on the lavender.
I decide to go with it - SOC. To find the beauty among the mess. And truly, isn’t that what we live for? Moments of beauty and how they evoke in us unexpected emotions that move us. That feeling of deep love we carry around within our being. That love we have no control over, causing us to ride this roller coaster of life with all its baggage and heartache, without much protection. We live among the mess, the unfocused, and what lies behind the scene. For the most part, we are unable to crop out what we view as a distraction. Some days we are on an even keel, and at other times, we find ourselves bowled over.
The longer we live, it seems, the more mayhem we collect. Be it the state of the world around us, or something that hits closer to home.
After this one shot, I put my camera down and just I stood and watched the robin as he splashed and drank from the birdbath. A second robin joined him for a few seconds, and for a fleeting moment I mourned the photo that might have been. Until I remembered how beautiful this one, big, fat robin was, as the sunlight bounced off the hills across the lake. He brought me some much needed beauty and joy for a few minutes, at the end of a hard day. And while the settings of my camera were not perfect, the image reminds me how important it is for me to pick my camera up every day. For there is always something worth noticing in that pause between looking through the viewfinder, and hitting the shutter.
"Look, we are not unspectacular things. We’ve come this far, survived this much. What would happen if we decided to survive more? To love harder?”
— Ada Limón
This is the gift of living well into my 60’s. For today, I still have time. Time to give that young woman a chance to do some of those things she imagined. A chance to listen to her heart, placing her wants and needs up there with the people she loves.
Today I allow all that love along with those emotions, to live where they want. On the outside, loudly if need be to get my point across, or quietly, close to my heart.
Yes, we are all survivors and lovers… Let’s do both with gusto.
“…as I’ve aged, I have more time for tenderness, for the poems that are so earnest they melt your spine a little. I have decided that I’m here in this world to be moved by love and [to] let myself be moved by beauty.” - Ada Limón
our 24th poet laureate in an interview with Krista Tippett
When I came face to face with all the silence and aloneness of the pandemic, I found myself thinking a lot about my life choices and the paths I took. The older me spent time getting to know the younger me more throughly, often coming face to face with a clearer picture than I was able to see back then.
Old stories that have played in my head for years started shifting, and suddenly the main character (me) begin seeing the scenes differently. A new take on the characters, the actions, the arena, and the carry over. I saw there where times when I took paths that I really didn’t want to take, but did so to fit in or please someone else, because it was easier.
It was exhausting for a while; every single thought and emotion analyzed and critiqued, all while navigating life, along with the rest of the world, through uncharted territory. I see now what a mess I was.
"The road to enlightenment is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget snacks and magazines."
— Anne Lamott (Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith)
I tuck the potted bulbs into the cart next to the lettuce and eggs. Their blooms are, for the most part, closed up tight, and the anticipation I feel about watching them unfold brings me joy. Once home I place them on the dining room table and take note every time I walk by. It does not take long for them to reveal their beauty. In a few days the blooms are so heavy I have to intervene with a chopstick to help them stay upright. Their scent surrounding me as I move the stems gently.
I wake today with a bit of nostalgia, along with remorse. A yearning within me that I really can’t put my finger on, yet feels so familiar. I don’t question these feelings or wonder what is wrong with me as I use to, but rather sit with them in kindness. Understanding that wishing for do-overs is unhealthy.
Instead I take my morning coffee to the dining room table and watch the light of the day unfold over the lake . . . surrounded by the fragrance of spring.
“To take photographs is to hold one's breath when all faculties converge in the face of fleeing reality. It is at that moment that mastering an image becomes a great physical and intellectual joy. - Henri Cartier-Bresson
The feeder is a busy place these days. There is flirting going on in the trees, and new songs every day. The flickers are back, tapping their mating calls on our gutters, but they are tricky to catch at the feeder, so I have yet to capture one. I mess with my settings, practicing action shots, sitting with the door open to the cold. Some are a bit out of focus, but I love them anyway.