My choice

“Once every so often—at the very most—I think someone actually chooses something.
Otherwise we’re following something—we don’t even know what it is but we follow it,”

― Elizabeth Strout, Oh William!

I sit as the day fades, watching the light change on the lake below us. Dinner is over, the kitchen clean and the leftovers tucked into the fridge. Soon I will head inside and watch some TV with him. The dog will curl up between us, knowing the day is coming to an end and he can now relax.

This is the time of day when I often feel like I should be doing something more productive with my life. I pause and remind myself of all that I accomplished today, a bit sad that three loads of laundry and digging the last of the potatoes for dinner tonight became the highlights. I am gentle with myself however, as I am learning that the path I follow, at this point in my life, can be up to me. All I have to do is choose it.

***

I am here

“Ask yourself about the kind of life you want: What would you do day to day, and with whom, and where? Consider the life you have. Do one thing today, however small, to close the gap between the two.” - Maggie Smith

Summer was full of goodness mixed with a bit of nostalgia. I swear I relived every season of my life. Either by landscapes and gatherings that brought me back to my childhood, or through images I culled as I cleaned up the images on my computer.

But as I culled those images I slowly began to understand that I don’t need to try and “fix” myself but rather listen to myself more closely. I was burning myself out trying to make sure everyone around me was taken care of, at a huge sacrifice to myself. This is my time. My time to fill my world with all the beauty, kindness, and love I can muster. My time to come here to write a few words, post a few photos and walk away knowing I have lived today. Be it a good day or bad… I am here.

***

fall whispers

“Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit,
and resign yourself to the influence of the earth.”
― Henry David Thoreau

I can feel fall in the air even as the sun shines strong. Fall is by far my favorite season, a bit ahead of spring. They are the shifting seasons, the ones that wake me up, and often bring me to my knees to get a closer look. The plums and apples ripen and fall off the trees, and we pick the last of the tomatoes. I cut flowers to bring inside and head to the fish market to get fish for the freezer. We go to bed with the windows open, only to reach for the blanket down by our feet in the middle of the night because we are cold. Fall brings a sense of coziness and hope, both which I need desperately.

***

100 days of summer :: day 100!

“Art is what can’t fit inside a person. The things that bubble over,”

― Fredrik Backman, My Friends

***

I put the bird feeder back up and it takes a few days for the birds to find it. I was happy to have them back at the feeder after a bit of a break over the summer. This one had just had a bath and I was so pleased to have caught her all fluffed out. I am calling this the official end to the 100 days of summer project, rounding up, as I have never really been much of a math person.

a new Passage:: day 98

“It seems to me that the task of the unfinished woman is to acknowledge her life as a work in progress, allowing each passage, evolution, experience to offer wisdom for her soul.”
-Joan Anderson

I busy myself in the garden early this morning. The hydrangeas are flooded with every shade of purple, blue and green. I pick cherry tomatoes, and one cucumber. I cut back some unhappy dahlias, wondering what is that making them misbehave. I keep myself busy, waiting for the call. When it comes I cry a little bit, alone in the garden, for it seems I am now, the Gramma of a Kindergartner.

***

a few more :: day 97

“Set wide the window. Let me drink the day.”

― Edith Wharton, 

I remember catching these tiny fish as a chid, so I was happy to see the gentle stream full of them. My father had a name for them, which I can’t seem to remember now. I will have to ask one of my boys and report back.

***

as the fog lifts :: day 96

“It occurs to me that being in the fog does not have to mean being altogether lost.” ― Joan Anderson

I wake today, feed the dog, make my morning latte and walk into my life. I am not sad, nor depressed, just a little bit foggy. I think of ways to clear the fog, asking myself what it is I truly want, or maybe need. Is it wrong to not have a clear answer? Is is possible to allow the fog to just lift on it’s own?

***